I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
