1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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