I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
