I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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