he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
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I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We need to get me chipped asap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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