Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
