she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I want to be your penis for a week.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
