i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
