yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
