I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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