I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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