i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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