This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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