If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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