Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
