Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
