She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
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He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
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we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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