Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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