Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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