there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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