What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
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He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
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I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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