I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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