Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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