Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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