I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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