There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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