i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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