I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
