Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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