So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
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She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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