Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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