The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
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Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
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Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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