Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
