True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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