you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
BRING THE BAGELS
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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