were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
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the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
being pregnant is like rehab
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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