hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
