so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
