yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
