I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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