The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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