Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
