I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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