So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
