Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize