im six kinds of drunk right now
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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