I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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