someone threw a dead crab at me
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.