i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
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We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???