i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks