I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
