My first STD was from a foam party
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
