Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
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just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
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She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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