were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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