She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
