Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
