I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
