I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
honey bunches of taint.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
