i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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