Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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