Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
