Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
